


Through the Lowest of Stakes and the Most Passing of Moments

by jin_bestgirl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Falling In Love, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Sex, Love Confessions, M/M, Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:35:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26883766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jin_bestgirl/pseuds/jin_bestgirl
Summary: “You don’t have to return the words, I know what we agreed. But I can’t keep to it, Levi, and I ask you to forgive me for that.”The first time Levi and Erwin say those three little words. Short and fluffy because I got tired of making them sad in fics hahahaha.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 52
Kudos: 489





	Through the Lowest of Stakes and the Most Passing of Moments

They don’t say it out loud. 

  


Not because Levi is unsure or because he struggles to put the words together, but because to say it would let the universe in on it and the universe has no right. So they keep it somewhere away, somewhere safe and away, because it is better untouched by them than exposed to the people it doesn’t belong to. 

  


It had been an unspoken thing at first, the way they had dodged the admission, until one day after a near-death encounter with a titan when the ghost of those three words had colored Erwin’s breath and Levi, careless in the type of panic that tightens rib cages and steals air from lungs, had stopped it with their first kiss, dark and hungry and irresponsible in the hospital bed because anyone might have walked in, though no one did.  


“Don’t say it,” he’d decided then, slinking up the chain of command for the briefest of moments to deliver the order. Erwin’s thick eyebrows had drawn into a frown and he had studied Levi’s face, considering the expression there. Levi had pleaded with his eyes, hard and stony but glassed over in a stinging way that only came once every few years. He had watched the recognition of his desperation register in Erwin’s own expression, watched the man’s features sharpen to alarm and then soften to concession, and when Erwin had reached across the space to brush Levi’s cheek with his fingertips, Levi had closed his eyes and tilted into the touch.  


  


“Okay,” Erwin had agreed without asking why, the graze against Levi’s skin firming. “Okay.”  


They had kissed and touched each other until dawn that night, had even gone so far as to make love, but they hadn’t spoken the three words that Levi knew bore into both of their minds, floated in their chests and yearned to escape. Erwin had been ready to give it up but Levi wouldn’t, he wouldn’t let it into the universe to be tortured and destroyed. It had to be their secret. 

  


As time had gone on and more and more of it was spent together, they had found ways around the inability to say the words. They had hinted at them instead through the small touches and deliberate looks and certain types of kissing, and in the times when the sex got careful and curses slipped into soft gasps and vulnerable clutches. They would say it in the times when they found each other’s eyes through the heat, in the dark, and stayed there.

  


Erwin was the one who always seemed to be edging on it. Oftentimes, usually after they’d shared a bed or emerged from another near-death encounter, his eyes would shift to a tender quality, lips pressing together like a dam, and effort would line his face, wavering there. More than once Levi had caught him with the sentiment on his lips, shooting a dangerous look, inclining his head only just enough to convey a sentiment of his own- _don’t._

  


“If you don’t know what you are to me by now, then maybe you aren’t after all,” Levi had breathed softly after they’d fucked for the fourth time, words he wouldn’t usually say feeling sentimental and reckless in the afterglow. It was the closest thing he could come to it, and he had expected a scoff from Erwin, or maybe even a rebuttal. Instead Erwin had shrugged, still halfway through catching his breath, head tilted back against the headboard so his beautiful throat was exposed to Levi, his most vulnerable place. He had said simply, “I know exactly what you are to me.”  


Levi had frowned at the misunderstanding, quick to catch the mistake and harsh in his correction.  


“What _you_ are to _me_ , I said.”  


Erwin had turned then, cutting blue finding Levi’s own stony eyes and fixing there. His face was gentle and his voice was tender and something about it had touched Levi somewhere deep, catching him off guard.  


“I know. But it’s the same.”  


“Is it?” Levi had challenged for the sake of challenging, heart in his throat, and when Erwin had responded yes with unhesitating certainty and kissed him slow and soft, Levi had fought the sudden and hard pull toward tears. Out of the very few times people had told him they loved him and of all the times Erwin had said it without saying it, this- this had been the best of them. 

  


That had been nearly two months ago. This morning now, Levi awakens slow and easy. Golden light shifts through the glass of the window and pools across the covers, melting into the creases and nooks of the thick blanket. A warmth floods through him from head to toe and he shifts, only slightly, eyes closed and brows drawn as he focuses in on the pleasure of stretching his neck. Privately he marvels, wiggling his toes, at this rare gem of an occurrence- they’d slept seven hours at least. 

  


Managing to capture four hours of sleep had always qualified as a successful night for Levi, but somehow things had aligned the evening before to create a situation nearly designed in its perfection, setting them up for a full night’s rest. 

  


Erwin had finished up his mountain of paperwork at precisely the time Levi had been returning to his quarters, weary from a day of overseeing training the new recruits. Up until last night, for the past two weeks one or the other and often both of them had had cause to rise even before reveille, too swarmed with business to exchange even the barest of greetings. They had seen each other at mealtimes and exchanged professional glances, snuck the barest brush of fingers reaching for the salt when they could, but that had been the extent of their contact. And then, last night, born out of a miracle, Levi had been halfway through opening his door when Erwin had emerged from his own quarters down the hall, the timing hilarious in its serendipity. They had both frozen, staring down the hallway at each other. 

  


Wordlessly, Erwin had slipped fully out, closing his own door behind him, and had drifted down the hallway to Levi, who had opened the door for him smoothly and swiftly and before anyone could turn the corner and watch the commander steal into his captain’s private quarters. 

  


The night had been a wonder. After exchanging reports of their days in a manner half-business and half-personal, it had become clear that neither had a particularly early start the next morning. After reveling in the potential for a good minute, they had made their way to the officers’ latrines and, with the blissful knowledge that Hanji- the only other officer permitted to use the facilities- was halfway through a diplomatic assignment at Wall Rose, had luxuriated in a long and peaceful bath together. 

  


They had taken their time with each other, the sex slow and consuming and indulgent, the pillow talk after turning to deep and much-needed conversation. Lasting long into the night they had exchanged low sentiments, purged themselves of wandering thoughts too silly or unimportant to be spoken aloud in daylight. Levi had found himself shifting closer to Erwin not in body but in heart, closing more of the distance he had thought already closed to its limit. They’d fallen asleep tangled together, Levi’s fingers curled into Erwin’s bare chest, face buried in his warm neck, Erwin’s arm wrapped tight around Levi’s middle. In the beginning of things months prior, it had only taken two nights together for Levi to forsake his dignity for the reward of this sleeping position. The first two nights when he had fought it while falling asleep had yielded mornings that revealed they’d found their way into the position in their sleep anyway. 

  


Now Levi stretches into the gold of the early light- they’d slept past reveille but he can’t give a shit- it isn’t for them, not today. _Let the cadets bake in the sun and sweat themselves into unconsciousness running laps._ He breathes in deeply and blinks his sleepy eyes open to greet the ceiling. 

  


Maybe they could stay here all day.

  


Levi turns his head only barely to find Erwin, and when he does his heart skips like a schoolkid, like this is their first morning together instead of their fiftieth. 

  


The stern face, usually marked so distinctly with the hard lines and sharp angles of duty, is slack and peaceful. It is easy to forget how young Erwin is in the light of day and the heat of battle, when his strong voice and unwavering conviction leads hundreds of people to glory and he feels friendless in his position. Levi sometimes watches him in action and thinks that perhaps he has been doing this for hundreds of years. 

  


Their legs are tangled together now in a way that feels like they’ve always been here, comfortable and safe, and Erwin’s arm remains slung around Levi’s waist, holding him close. Levi breathes in Erwin’s scent, clean and familiar. He lifts one sleepy arm and skims his fingertips against Erwin’s arm, grazing the skin and the thin blonde hair there. He watches goosebumps raise under his touch like magic, staggering with the swell of affection that billows in him when Erwin shifts in his sleep, tightens his hold on Levi’s bare middle. Levi studies the press of Erwin’s skin against his stomach, cherishes it, and turns his head again to muse over Erwin’s features, impossibly handsome even in sleep.

  


That raw brand of sentimentality is alive in him again, dangerous and sensitive, but he lets it stay, moved by the light of the morning and the gentle slope of Erwin’s nose. He doesn’t typically give himself time to appreciate precious things, not anymore, but something about this morning is fresh and beautiful and he allows himself, for the smallest moment, to be moved by it. 

  


Erwin’s eyes flutter open, sleepy and beautiful, and find Levi’s own. Levi doesn’t smile but his lips twitch with the shadow of one, and he watches Erwin’s gaze flicker to his mouth and back up again as a smile graces his lips instead. 

  


“Morning,” Erwin mumbles, barely on voice, and slides the arm slung across Levi’s waist up so that he can brush Levi’s lip with his thumb, slip his hand across his jaw and into his dark hair, and Levi makes a quiet sound because he has no choice but to. He leans down slowly and they kiss, soft and sweet and unhurried. After a moment Levi slips a hand under the covers to find Erwin’s hip, and brushes between his legs in the process to discover that Erwin is half hard like he is. They often go at it in the morning but today there is a sacred quality, a kind of wordless peace, and Levi doesn’t dare disrupt this oddity. So they ignore it, kissing surely but chastely, indulging in the rare gift of time they’ve been given for some reason unknown and unquestioned- maybe as reward for the hell they’ve both endured, or maybe for no reason at all.

  


“Any good dreams?” Levi murmurs when they’ve broken only just, lips still brushing. Erwin huffs and tilts his head barely, an indication of a dreamless sleep. 

  


“Hm,” Levi muses, and drifts his fingertips under the blanket up and back to Erwin’s shoulder blade, then back again. He considers the ceiling and mulls this over briefly, then adds, “But no bad ones, either.” 

  


When he returns his gaze it is to find Erwin fixated on him in a precious kind of appreciation, and he feels his own stern expression soften in something unconscious and reactionary. The pool of yellow light is climbing their forms over the blankets, drifting up to their shoulders and dappling in Erwin’s eyes when he turns just the right way; it’s mesmerizing but Levi manages to escape. He finds the ceiling again and focuses on the points where their bodies touch, enjoys the warmth there. 

  


“I haven’t had a bad dream since we started this,” Erwin says simply, voice still low from sleep, and Levi’s breath catches though he doesn’t look. It’s a bold thing to say but it’s the truth for them both, and there is no hiding the implications that come with this confession. _You make me feel safe, you make me feel comfortable._ Simple sentiments shrouded in the danger of admitting such vulnerability. 

  


“Mhm,” is the compromise Levi comes to, blinking at the wooden paneling above them with eyebrows drawn and heart quickened in his bare chest. Erwin’s warm touch drifts across his skin with a lazy aimlessness; it is his turn to be touched like this and he lets himself be, closing his eyes as Erwin’s fingers ghost his collarbone, graze down his sides and explore everything they both know is already burned into his memory. Levi swallows, irritated at the way the warmth in his core is deepening, giving rise to sudden and unwarranted emotion. It’s ridiculous, the times when it comes like this, and there is nothing to do but ride the odd wave. 

  


Erwin pauses back at his neck, grazing Levi’s Adam's apple delicately with his thumb, and when Levi turns to tell him he’s going to have to start charging money to be grappled like this, Erwin catches him in another long kiss. 

  


This one is gentler yet, somehow, infused with something meaningful, something bright and patient and powerful. They break and the words are gone from Levi’s mouth and mind, and the sunlight has reached their faces and Erwin’s blue eyes are on fire in the sun. 

  


And then it comes, after all this time, not in the heat of battle or in the face of death but in a warm bed in the morning, through the lowest of stakes and the most passing of moments.  


  


“I love you,” Erwin murmurs so suddenly that the breath leaves Levi’s lungs. They look at each other in a quiet that is long and suspended, and Erwin’s expression is something Levi has never seen on the man’s face, not once in their lives. Levi’s mind is roaring and incoherent but Erwin’s gaze is steady, and he continues in a gentle voice, “You don’t have to return the words, I know what we agreed. But I can’t keep to it, Levi, and I ask you to forgive me for that.”

  


Erwin turns to face the ceiling now, drawing back and returning his arm to his side, staring up and breathing in deeply so that his chest rises and falls beneath the weight of the covers. Levi watches his throat bob with a swallow and there is nothing he can fish from the mess of his mind, not even a precise emotion. The infuriatingly tender spot in him aches, the vulnerable thing, whatever it is. He wants to be angry, he searches helplessly within himself for a pinch of the irritation, even, that had clouded him only moments ago. He finds, instead, that he is soaring, aching and soaring and spiraling into a rapture he has perhaps never felt in his sorry life. 

  


He shifts onto his elbow and reaches across the small space to find Erwin’s face, to turn his head with the guidance of his hand and force their eyes together again. Erwin’s expression is painted with an uncertainty he cannot hide despite his clear effort. Levi can feel the way his own eyebrows knit and can’t undo them, because this can’t be pure joy despite the way it feels like it is. It is bliss but it is also horror, it is elation but also dangerous vulnerability. But he says it anyway because Erwin had been right after all in saying that he couldn’t not- that they couldn’t not- in the end. 

  


“Yeah. ...I love you too,” Levi admits tightly, frowning slightly with his heartbeat in his ears, and the change in Erwin’s eyes is worth the terror of finally, finally speaking it into reality. Levi nods without meaning to, small and private and conceding as it sinks in. And despite himself, despite his resistance for too long, he says it one more time because it is right and it is true, and this time his expression and voice relax into something closer to Erwin’s tenderness. 

  


“I love you.” 

  


It feels like maybe something else should be said, that perhaps they should talk through what this means and exchange some schoolgirl kind of sentiment about how long they’d each waited to breathe these words, but like the sacredness of the morning, there is a new kind of holy silence here now. So they lie there, ignoring the troubles of the day for the reverence of this moment, the long-avoided words ringing in the silence and settling into their bones where they have always belonged. 

  


They kiss again, and they don’t get out of bed until eleven.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope this brought you a little warmth and joy today. :)


End file.
